I had just hunted a delicious looking deer for us to eat and was taking it over to my father. I knew he would be pleased and I knew was not wrong. It would have to do for now, the walk to our meeting place was only five to ten minutes away from where I had killed the deer.
It was a very beautiful forest with huge trees everywhere. There was even a little pond for the animals to drink water from. Little rabbits and frogs were everywhere along with the birds looking for food. The sky was fairly clear with a few clouds scattered about and the sun shinning through them. It was not hot though because of the slight breeze that was rustling through the leaves in almost a playful way.
I had finally reached my father and he looked so glad to see the kill that I had just made. At least now we would have something to eat even for one day.
Anansi (father): "I see that you have made a very nice kill today. Good job. We can finally eat something good, I was getting tired of eating rabbits."
Kweku Tsin (son): "I know father, that is why I made sure to find another animal today. Plus this should last us today since there are only two of us to eat it."
Anansi: "Did you hear that son?"
Kweku Tsin: "No father, what are you talking about? I only hear the wind and the chirping of the birds. It is such a beautiful day today, I just want to stay here and relax."
Anansi: "Maybe I am just being paranoid. It is probably nothing."
A roar is heard throughout the forest. All the animals scatter away into the protection of their homes. The birds fly as far away as they can, the rabbits burrow in their holes, and the frogs leap underneath the barks on fallen trees.
Kweku Tsin: Okay you are definitely not wrong. I heard it that time and so did everyone else. We should run and hide somewhere so that whatever it is does not catch us. I may had hunted someone but I do not want to become someones else's meal today. What is that animal anyway?"
Anansi: "This area that a lot of animals so it would be hard to guess just from the roar of the animal. It could be a lion, tiger, or even a dragon. This area is known to have all of them. We should go somewhere else, I do not want to stay here and find out exactly what animal is making that noise."
Kweku Tsin: "You are right father. We should look for some shelter immediately. Lets leave this deer here so that whatever animal it is will find it first. This way it will stop here and eat it and hopefully not be hungry anymore and not look for us."
Anansi: "That is definitely the smart thing to do. Lets go and not waste another minute here."
They ran from there leaving the deer behind. The two of them could hear the roar getting louder and louder before it stopped. They knew that it had found the deer and stopped there. They only hoped that it would be fulfilled by that and leave them alone. They soon hear the roar again and could feel a strong breeze towards them. They saw the shadow for a huge dragon not too far from them and knew that they were wrong. It was not going to stop until it got to them.
Author's note: I decided to stop here and let everyone else imagine what happens to the father and son duo. Did the dragon get them? Did they manage to escape? Did someone come help them out? The original story did not go into this much depth about the beginning which I decided to lengthen. They were captured by the dragon in the original and a lot more things happened to them afterwards. I did not want to go into all of that and instead decide to give you all a imagine your own ending again. This image shows the dragon and some people getting away from him. Maybe this can be one of the endings you guys decide to choose for them.
West African Folktales by William H. Barker and Cecilia Sinclair
I really enjoyed how you left the ending open for the audience to decide. That is a very creative technique. I always have a habit of ending stories for people, just cause I like to know what happens. You used great detail here, and I really enjoyed reading. Great job!
ReplyDeleteYour beginning paragraph contains a nice hook that brings readers right into the action, and your description of events and the environment is effective at positioning the reader in the world's space.
ReplyDeleteI must confess that I think writing character dialogue more in a more novel-like fashion will help make them feel more connected to the story; the colon exchange format here appears to make them seem more detached from the action and make us detached from their physical form (e.g. when Anansi hears the dragon, what is his voice tone or body's movements?).
There's only a few spelling inconsistencies in paragraphs 2, 10, 11, and 12 that need tending to (e.g. in 10, "rabbits burrow *into* their holes"). I also couldn't help but leave the ending at the back of my mind since there was not a clear takeaway. Granted, the intent is to leave their fate open to interpretation, but there should still be a takeaway.
Overall, I can see potential in this story, especially with such a descriptive POV. I feel it can be even better by going over some spellchecks and dialogue formatting and digging out a more readily apparent takeaway. Good work, here, Shruti.
Wow, Shruti, the cliffhanger at the end of this story really got to me! I like to think the father and son got away but the terrible dragon seems like it would stop at nothing until it had gotten them! I liked the script format for the dialogue, but it did seem slightly random compared to the paragraph descriptions of the rest of the story. Maybe it would be fun to try making the whole story in the script style. Overall, I really enjoyed it and great job!
ReplyDelete