She had gone into the room in the corner of their house to pick up the ball that had fallen there. There were boxes everywhere in the dusty old room, and it looked like no one had been in there for years. Old chairs and books were covered in a layer of dust. The cobwebs were hanging like ornaments in the ceiling and were surrounding the pillars like vines. There were little spiders crawling around in the room, and you could even hear the chirping of the crickets from the outside. It was dark and gloomy in there with only a small window for the moonlight to shine in. She finally noticed that her ball had gone under one of the chairs by the wall and the closer she got she noticed light coming from a little crack. When she looked into the crack she saw that it opened into another room and it looked like it was a boy's room. His room had a small bed with a lantern next to it. There was a table with a chair on the side of the room, along with toys that were scattered throughout the room. There were wooden cars and little trains. She was surprised and amazed by the boy that appeared to be a couple of years older than her. He was playing with his toys on the floor when she called out to him. She was curious as to who he was. She had heard from her parents that a boy lived next door but she had never seen him before.
Thisbe: Hi.
*He appeared to be very confused and looked around for a few seconds before going back to his toys.*
Thisbe: Hey, I am by the wall.
*He looked even more confused and then went towards the wall. It took him a couple more seconds before he finally noticed her. It surprised him that he had never seen this crack before.*
Pyramus: Who are you? What is going on? What is your name?
Thisbe: I am the girl living next door to you. I was looking for my ball when I saw the crack and found you through it. My name is Thisbe. What is your name?
Pyramus: My name is Pyramus.
This is how they first met and after talking for a couple of hours they decided to talk again the next day. This continued for a long time, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years. They were growing up and before they knew it their friendship had turned into love. The constant talking and sharing everything about them made them realize just how much they meant to each other. They could not live without talking to the other even for a day.
Once Thisbe was seventeen and Pyramus was twenty they decided to tell their parents about the other so they could finally be together. It did not matter to them that they had never really seen each other. They had a strong emotional connection and they knew they wanted to be together forever. Their parents were against it as they did not get along with each other at all. They told their children to stop talking to each other and made plans to cover the crack in the wall as soon as possible. They met again that night before their parents could seal their way of communication forever.
Thisbe: What are we going to do now? Our parents have forbidden us from ever seeing each other again. They are even planning to seal this crack forever.
Pyramus: I have a plan.
Thisbe: What is it? Oh please tell me soon. I cannot wait any longer.
Pyramus: We can run away tomorrow night away from our parents and be together forever. We can spend the rest of our lives together. Meet me tomorrow after nightfall under the mulberry tree by the forest and the grave of Ninus.
Thisbe: I will meet you there but I am going to miss my parents. Will I ever be able to see them again? I think this might be our only chance to be together and hopefully after our parents will understand why we did this.
I wanted to stop here and have everyone imagine their own endings.
Author's Note: This is the story of Pyramus and Thisbe from Ovid's Metamorphoses. The original story talked about how the two met and how they decided to run away together. It also had the part about what happened to them once they did run away and how they met their tragic end. In the original story she hid from a lioness that had been hunting but Pyramus mistook the blood to be hers and killed himself. She also ended up killing herself from the same sword as he did. In my story I decided to explain the back story and how they met for the first time. I ended the story with their plan instead of how their story actually ends. I chose this picture because it shows the tree that they decided to meet at and how that place became the place of their end. This picture was also really pretty to look at, and some of the other images they had gave away the ending. It was also a bit too violent to use and did not go with the flow of my story. I did not want to include their death in my story so instead I just left it before that part so every can imagine their own ending to this story.
Ovid's Metamorphoses : Pyramus & Thisbe by Tony Kline (2000)
Mulberry Tree By Vincent Van Gogh (1889)
I have never read the story which you based yours on, but I think you did a very good job in writing your version. It was cute how they grew up talking to each other, and planned to run away together. I’m glad you left it where you did. After having to hide through a crack all of their relationship, I think it is a good thing that they can meet and finally be together.
ReplyDeleteI also have never heard of this story. I like how you backstory to the actual story. Not adding the ending was nice because we could choose to makeup a happy ending for them instead of how the original story goes. The way the story flows is nice and I like that you have the two have conversations in the story instead of making everything in the third person.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I have had any experience with this story, which is nice to be introduced to a different area of mythology so early on in this course. Choosing to add personal dialogue was a bold choice and one that I think was executed well in this story. I may have to consider doing the same for my own writings going forward in the course.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this story but I'm not sure if I wan to read the original because I like your ending, where they can live happily ever after. You didn't quite bring closure to the story, which I normally don't like but I think it worked well in this case.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the moment when they realize their friendship turned into romance. I think you did a great job of showing that love doesn't have to be based on physical attraction (indeed, often times the best relationships aren't!).
I did like how you ended it but as I contemplate it, I wonder if perhaps a more adult "solution" would be more powerful. These two have grown together and fallen in love in a somewhat childlike manner (I picture them sitting with his legs criss crossed on the floor, talking through this crack in the wall or maybe laying down, an eye to the crack, trying to catch a glimpse of one another… just sitting or laying there talking for hours, much as I acted when I was in my youth and had no adult responsibilities), I think it could bring some closure to the story if they stood up to their parents instead of running away. What if they told their parents that they were going to be together with or without their (the parents) support?
I've never read this story before, but the way you wrote it was pretty emotionally powerful. Even though it was fairly short (500-1000 words) I think you did a great job with the space you had. I was able to become pretty invested into the character's emotions although it was much shorter than the original. What if you added just a bit more to the end with the moment up to their escape (i.e. They finally get out and are about to look at each other for the first time as they escape and then it ends) that would really hold me on the edge of my seat wanting to know what their reactions were. Obviously it would need to be in better words haha. Overall your writing style was awesome, concise yet deep. I really enjoyed the engagement. I look forward to seeing if anything happens to add or change the story!
ReplyDeleteI've never read this story before, but I think it has a really interesting premise. I think that you did a good job of giving backstory. There were a few parts that I think were a little confusing, like I wasn't really sure if they could see each other through the crack or not because there were some somewhat conflicting descriptions. I think that you did a good job of developing your story for as short as it was, but I wonder what effect it would've had on your story to break up the descriptive blocks into smaller blocks sprinkled throughout the story. I like that you included conversations between the two lovers, I think it made them more relatable and personable. I think it would’ve also been an interesting introduction to the story if you hadn’t mentioned that they were lovers right away. I think it would’ve been nice to let the readers infer that. However, overall I think you did a really nice job with developing your story and giving the back story of the story you read and I think your author’s note does a good job of describing why you chose this to write about.
ReplyDeleteI had never heard of this story before but I really liked it! Just like Romeo and Juliet! I liked how you gave the backstory of them meeting, but I think it would be better if you cut out the beginning paragraph describing the two lovers and just started off with more description and dialogue about them meeting and falling in love like you do later. Also an explanation of why the two families hated each other would be nice too. I liked the way you left the story open ended too! Normally, I like all the loose ends tied up but being able to imagine that they lived happily ever after is pretty nice. I think your last sentence is rather jarring though in the context of the story because there was no narrator really introduced before so the sudden "I" was a little strange. Maybe addressing the readers like "Dear reader, you can now imagine what happens next" or something would be better? Also it would be nice to have the actual ending in the author's note just for easier access! Overall, great story though!
ReplyDeleteHey Shruti, great job in retelling this story. I have read the original story, and I have to admit, I like yours better due to the fact that it lets the readers imagine their own ending. I'm not a big fan of stories that end in tragedy, so yours was perfect! My favorite part of your story was the detail in which you described both Pyramus' and Thisbe's rooms. It's like I could imagine each part of the rooms you described vividly in my head as I read through the story. I wonder what would've happened if they both had waited to tell their parents of their love for each other. I would like to think that they keep on talking and end up getting happily married to each other later on when they are older, but I doubt that's how it would go. What if you had continued the story on longer before leaving it at a cliffhanger? I think if you had told the story up until the night they decide to elope and set the tone for that event, it would give the readers more information to make their own conclusions. Overall though, I think your story is great and I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteHi Shruti,
ReplyDeleteI am a sucker for forbidden love, so this caught my attention immediately. I could not help but find myself asking a few questions along the way. How old were Thisbe and Pyramus when they first met? They sound very young due to toys, but at the same time I’m not so sure. Were both of them never allowed to leave the room? If so, why not?
There are some punctuation errors throughout the story, such as missing a few commas before conjunctions. Another thing, I found it a little difficult to read some of your texts because the font is slightly thin and blends in with parts of your background. What if you changed the font to a thicker font? That would really help readers view your story.
I like your take on the story! It was a very interesting read and the element of mystery at the end was a nice touch.
This was a really fun story! I love tales of forbidden love. I'm not sure if I've ever heard the original myth, so this was new and intriguing to me. But, being a writing major, I think it would flow better if it wasn't in script format and had dialogue tags instead with proper quotations and whatnot. Having some of Pyramus's actions in asterisks seemed sort of odd. I also think that you could start with Thisbe discovering the crack in the wall instead of the paragraph explaining the whole story, which would make it a little more narrative. I really liked how Thisbe and Pyramus fell in love and kept coming back to the wall to be together, but couldn't they leave the house to see each other? I would loved to have seen just a little more of their story. Lengthening it a bit to have it cut off at Thisbe running toward the tree or something could be an interesting edit. I have to admit that despite having my own ending, I'm curious to hear yours because in the end, it is still your story.
ReplyDeleteHi, Shruti! I really enjoyed reading your story because like the other comments, I am also a sucker for forbidden love stories! I especially loved the opening lines of the story with the descriptions of their situation setting the stage for their love story to unfold. It made me smile when you included modern technology such as phone calls, emails, and texts in their forms of communication, even if they didn't get to use them. I liked that you pulled this story into a more modern setting with those descriptions and also those of the dusty old room. I didn't quite understand why the parents were so incredibly against their children being together. Was there something I missed? I would love to know the backstory behind that part of the plot. I also wonder what would have happened if Pyramus and Thisbe had never told their parents? Would they have ever thought of running away together? Overall, I enjoyed reading this story and I am very curious as to what happens next! Great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Shruti! First off as a n art lover and van Gogh fan , I really love your image choice and it definitely pulled me into the post. I really like the way that you structured your story. It was very unconventional and almost reads like a play script, which is really cool especially considering the metamorphosis connections! The way you did the dialogue was also very interesting and easy to read. When I was reading it made me feel like I was watching a play, rather than reading a story. I will say, that some of those large blocks of text are difficult to get through, so it might help the reader to break those up and add a little more dialogue. Overall. Though I thought the story was great and I’m glad you didn’t include their deaths, because its much more hopeful that way. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteMackenzie
I absolutely love the introduction. You had me hooked on your story the second I read that the two characters could only communicate between the crack in the wall. This story reminds me, so far, of Romeo and Juliet. From the intro paragraph to the second, I got lost. I was confused because I thought that the next graph would be about the plan they were doing to come up with to see each other or meet. Instead, it was a flashback to the day that the girl had found the crack. I might rearrange the graphs and keep your last sentence about the plan until later. Or maybe put a * * * as a break in the story, so the reader knows you're going back in time.
ReplyDeleteI think it's interesting how you left your story open for interpretation. I might have given a little more detail so that it leaves the reader hanging. Such as ending the story when they first meet but then they start to ask these questions and contemplate if they should turn back. Then you could have footsteps drawing near and they are nervous because if they get caught, they will never be able to see each other again. So you leave the reader hanging on whose footsteps they are and you can leave the imagination wide open for what happens next.
Good story!
My only prior exposure to this story was through the botched performance of it that some of the characters put on in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, so I found it really interesting to see your take on it. I’ve also always been a huge fan of open endings, and I love how your approach here mixes a little bit of that with the vibe of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” novels.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of constructive criticism, you might want to think about breaking up your story into different sections with scene breaks—I liked the way you cut from the main conflict about planning to run away to a flashback of them first meeting and then back to the plan again, but it was initially a little confusing, since there was nothing to signal that that time jump was coming. Also, because your descriptions are really strong and vivid, the script-like formatting in that flashback distracts from some of your strengths here; if you removed the asterisks from those few descriptions of Pyramus’s reactions, then put quotation marks and speaker tags with your dialogue, that would be a quick fix. But I think offering up the ending to interpretation is a really cool move, and I love the level of characterization you added when Thisbe worried about never seeing her family again. Nice job!